I wish I wasn’t still fearing him. I wish these irrational and pesky fears about this relationship and us would just go away. It’s not even that they are all valid fears. Maybe that’s the most frustrating part is that so much of me is terrified of this; of the unfamiliar and uncomfortable and unknown. But isn’t that also the beauty: the unknown, the miracle of new things and the element of surprise in discovering? See the other part of me is so annoyed that I’m so fearful and not being able to fully grasp the joy of just being in love. Of daily looking into the eyes of the man I believe I want to spend every day with for the rest of my life. I want to embrace that wholeheartedly with wild abandon and passion in my heart but I’m bound by this chain of fear about what a fragile thing love makes us into and how trusting we have to become of another person and how committal to the highest degree this kind of love can call us to. And I am afraid. What if he hurts me? What if he breaks me? What if I can’t heal? And it’s not his fault. I don’t have specific cause to fear these things of him. But i do. I don’t suppose it’s my fault either. It’s human nature. But when will the fear really subside and the confidence commence that this man really loves me and I him and our love will prevail thru trouble or hardship thru good and bad? Love conquers all, but when does love conquer irrational fear?
"Too many books?" I believe the phrase you’re looking for is "not enough bookshelves".